Tree Flirting

This is akin to a one act play, this email encounter with a tree expert.

Tree Flirting


Good Day,

I left you a message and thought that I would follow up with an email.

Where were you interested in placing some tree(s)?
Have you had any removed?
How did you hear about our program?

Look forward to hearing from you!


#1 (My email to Roxie)

Heard about you via the utility company:
Had a mature Hackberry blow over onto my house back in March; so you might call that the “act of God tree removal program”……of course, God slipped out of the “help to pay for it program”.

Anyway, we need to talk about future shade (and I’m not throwing shade, so don’t worry).

Ok, anyway, now that the silly jokes are aside, I did get your phone-call,, and of course, this message, and I do need a tree or two here and there.


#1 response
Hi Igor,

Well, it’s our job to throw as much shade as possible and they do say “God works in mysterious ways” so we would love to help you get some free shade tree replacements! Would you be able to meet with one of our Foresters for a site assessment on Monday 10/31 between 8:30 am-12 pm? This would be a consultation to determine how many trees we can provide, which kinds, and the best planting locations.



Clearly, you’re involved in some kind of shady business, but I’m not leaving. It would be treemendous if the the visiting expert could consider 10a to 12p, the root cause being, I’m the family driver, and I won’t be around, prior to 10am.

I’d love to meet the Forester, (no, no, not the forced her)

Bark me a response, ok?


#2 response


Unfortunately, we had over-elm-ing interest in your area and already booked all the appointments for the 31st. But branching out into the rest of the week, we can meet with you on Tuesday 11/1 between 12-2 or the following Monday 11/7 8:30- 12 and I’m sure that morning we could leaf your property for later between 10-12. Let me know if one of those dates will be oak-kay.


Roxie, my little Beautybush; you’re such a Peach!

Son of a Birch, I feel like a complete Winesap! It’s probably because I am such an old Elder, because any young Dogwood have figured that out.

I will take you up on that Plum offer:
“Monday 11/7 8:30- 12, and I’m sure that morning we could leaf your property for later between 10-12”.

Until then, I will Pine for thee.
(and of course, I’ll be sure to Spruce up for your visit)


#3 response


We sure make quite a pear with our a-corny puns! You’ll be working with Susana that day since it’s my daily root-ine to work mostly in the office. Though I fernly beleaf she’ll have a few sappy puns that she maple out.

Have a great weekend wood you!

Getting the last word in………..


Thanks for your help, you certainly deserve your very own riparian zone.

I know I have been something of a pistil (humus be tired of it), as I am sure that no one needles you, as much as I. The problem is, I am such a simple leaf. One might even consider me to be a bit of a clingstone. (As opposed to Klingon).

Regarding the demise of my Celtis occidentalis; it underwent its own accidentalis, (but how can a tree fall in the Spring?).

When that tree fell, at first I felt a shaking of the house, and then I saw dust. When I first went outside to look, I barked my shin on the bark; go figure. When I made it out to the street, I was able to understand the root of the problem, although it was knot what I thought. The poor thing suffered from dry rot; I just wooden have guessed it.

Had I known that I could have called the Hackberry, a Beaverwood or Sugarberry, I would undoubtedly remember it’s name. (and certainly our discussions could have been much livelier).

And lastly, if had I been a younger sapling, I might have asked you for a date, and possibly some cross pollination. Alas, I am but an old stump.

I will now xeriscape,

Au revoir,




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